What "I Love You" Really Means (And Why the Words Aren't Enough) - Totally Me

By Tracy Jacobs, Intimacy and Relationship Coach

These 3 little words are so misleading. Empty for some, meaningful for others. They’re loaded. They can make you feel like you’re flying on cloud nine or like you feel as lonely as ever.

Love Is a Practice, Not a Destination

For that heady “I love you” feeling to be sustainable, and for the words to land and mean something, this is a practice not a destination.

Love is the result of a thriving relationship. We need to build our relationships on specific ingredients. When we do that well, love emerges naturally.

Most of us were taught that love is the foundation. You meet someone, fall in love, and if it’s meant to be, love will conquer all. But what if we’ve got it backwards?

What if love isn’t where you start, but what emerges when you get everything else right?

Love Is a Verb, Not a Noun

Love is about the doing. For example:

It’s putting everything down and being present in that moment when your partner needs you the most. It’s about following through with promises made. The words of affirmation and appreciation, being validated. It’s in the communication. It’s in the genuine accountability and the ability to say, “I’m sorry.” It’s consideration for the other’s needs.

When we stop trying to build on love and start building the ingredients that create love, everything shifts.

When Words Don’t Match Actions

Let me tell you about a couple I worked with. Sarah and James had been together for seven years, married for three. Sarah came to me frustrated. “Tracy, he tells me he loves me every single day. Multiple times a day. But I don’t feel loved.”

James would say “I love you” as he walked out the door. He’d text it during the day. He’d say it before bed. But he rarely asked Sarah about her day. He didn’t notice when she was stressed. He didn’t help with household tasks without being asked. He didn’t remember the things that mattered to her.

The words were there but the love wasn’t felt.

James wasn’t a bad partner. He genuinely did love Sarah. But he’d learned that saying “I love you” was enough. And Sarah had learned to smile and say “I love you too” even when she felt empty inside.

The Five Ways We Say “I Love You” Without Words

Before we dive into the six ingredients, let’s talk about how we actually communicate love, whether we realise it or not.

1. Presence

Not just being in the same room. Actually being there. Putting your phone down. Making eye contact. Listening without planning what you’re going to say next. When someone feels truly seen by you, that’s “I love you” without any words.

2. Consideration

Being conscious and mindful of your partner’s presence, energy, and needs. Thinking about them before you make decisions. Asking “How will this affect them?” before you act. Remembering how they take their coffee or that they have an important meeting today.

Consideration says, “You matter to me. I’m thinking about you even when you’re not in the room.”

3. Consistency

Showing up, day after day, even when it’s boring, hard, or when you don’t feel like it. It’s easy to say “I love you” when everything’s going well. But can you still show love when you’re stressed? When you’re tired? When your partner is being difficult?

4. Communication

Not just saying “I love you.” Being willing to have the hard conversations. Being willing to be vulnerable, to say “I’m scared” or “I need help” or “I messed up.” Being willing to listen when your partner needs to be heard, even if what they’re saying is uncomfortable.

5. Choice

Love is a choice you make every day. The feeling happens to you, but staying and working on the relationship is a decision you make over and over again. There will be days when you don’t feel “in love.” Days when you’re annoyed or disappointed. And on those days, love is a choice.

The Emergent Love Model: 6 Ingredients for Lasting Love

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh’s research on emergent love shows that love is a byproduct of a thriving relationship, not the goal or purpose of it. She identified 6 essential ingredients: attraction, respect, trust, shared vision, compassion, and loving behaviours.

When you tend to these six ingredients, love emerges naturally. You don’t have to chase it or force it.

Ingredient 1: Attraction

Attraction isn’t just about physical chemistry. It’s what you like and value about each other. Being drawn to who someone is, not just what they look like. Appreciating their qualities, their character, their way of being in the world.

How to maintain attraction:

Notice the things your partner does well
Appreciate their strengths
Be curious about their thoughts and ideas
Recognise when they’re growing and changing
Express what you find attractive about them

When was the last time you told your partner specifically what you find attractive about them? Not just “you’re beautiful,” but something specific about who they are?

Try: “I love how patient you are with the kids.” “I’m so attracted to your passion when you talk about your work.” “The way you handled that situation really impressed me.”

Ingredient 2: Respect

Respect goes beyond being polite. It’s about how you keep each other’s needs and priorities in mind. Recognising that your partner is a whole, complete person with their own thoughts, feelings, needs, and dreams. And that those things matter just as much as yours do.

Genuine respect shows up in everyday moments:

Asking before making plans that affect both of you
Considering your partner’s preferences when making decisions
Taking their concerns seriously even if you don’t fully understand them
Respecting their boundaries
Honouring their time and energy
Valuing their contributions

Respect doesn’t mean agreement. One hallmark of a mature relationship is the ability to say, “I don’t agree with you on this, but I respect your right to feel the way you do. I respect that this is important to you.”

Ingredient 3: Trust

Trust is knowing that you will show up for each other consistently. It’s about reliability, emotional safety, knowing that your partner has your back, that they’ll be there when you need them, that they won’t use your vulnerabilities against you.

Trust is built when:

Your partner says they’ll do something and they actually do it
You share something vulnerable and they hold it with care
They defend you when you’re not in the room
They follow through on their commitments
They’re honest with you even when it’s uncomfortable
They show up for you emotionally when you’re struggling

Trust exists on a spectrum. You might trust your partner completely with your emotional vulnerability but not trust them to manage household finances. Understanding where trust is strong and where it needs to be built is important.

Rebuilding trust requires:

Acknowledgement of the harm done
Genuine accountability
Changed behaviour over time
Patience and consistency
Willingness from both partners to work on it

Very importantly, the person who broke the trust doesn’t get to decide when the other person should trust them again. Trust is earned back at the pace of the person who was hurt.

Ingredient 4: Shared Vision

Shared vision and priorities determine the strength of a relationship. It’s knowing where you’re going together, having aligned goals, values, and priorities, being on the same team, working towards something together.

Often, couples who love each other, who are attracted to each other, who respect and trust each other, still struggle because they’re not moving in the same direction.

Questions to explore:

Do you both want children, or do you both not want children?
Where do you want to live? City, suburbs, countryside?
What does financial security mean to each of you?
How important is career advancement versus work-life balance?
What role do extended family play in your life?
How do you want to spend your time together?
What are your retirement dreams?

These might seem like practical questions, but they’re deeply relational. If you’re pulling in different directions on the big things, it creates constant friction.

Shared vision doesn’t mean you have to want exactly the same things in exactly the same way. But it does mean you need to be able to create a vision together that honours both of your needs and dreams.

And shared vision isn’t something you create once and forget about. It needs to be revisited regularly because people change, circumstances change, priorities shift.

Ingredient 5: Compassion

Compassion is empathy plus action. It’s saying, “I see that you’re struggling, I understand why this is hard for you, and I want to help ease your burden.”

In relationships, compassion shows up as:

Being gentle with each other’s wounds and triggers
Offering support without being asked
Choosing kindness even when you’re frustrated
Extending grace when your partner makes mistakes
Caring about your partner’s pain even when you don’t fully understand it
Being willing to adjust your behaviour when you realise it’s hurting them

When compassion is present, couples can weather almost anything. When compassion is absent, even small issues become major conflicts.

Compassion doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your partner says or feels. But it does mean you care about their experience. Their suffering matters to you.

Compassion also means being compassionate with yourself. You can’t give what you don’t have. If you’re constantly harsh and critical with yourself, you’ll struggle to be truly compassionate with your partner.

Ingredient 6: Loving Behaviours

This is where everything comes together into action. You can have attraction, respect, trust, shared vision, and compassion, but if those things don’t translate into actual behaviour, the relationship will still struggle.

Loving behaviours are the tangible ways you show love to your partner. They’re the actions, big and small, that communicate “You matter to me. I care about you. I’m here for you.”

Examples of loving behaviours:

Making their coffee in the morning just the way they like it
Sending a text during the day to check in
Doing a household task without being asked
Planning a date night
Giving them space when they need it
Initiating physical affection
Remembering what’s important to them
Supporting their goals and dreams
Being present when they need to talk

A loving behaviour is only loving if your partner receives it as loving. You might think you’re showing love by constantly trying to fix their problems, but if what they actually need is for you to just listen, then that behaviour isn’t landing as loving even though your intention is good.

This is why communication is so important. You need to know what actually feels loving to your partner, and they need to know what feels loving to you.

Loving behaviours need to be maintained even when things are going well. Especially when things are going well. That’s how you keep your relationship strong. You don’t wait until you’re in crisis to start showing love through your actions.

The Foundation: Loving Yourself

You cannot sustainably give love to someone else if you don’t have love for yourself. You cannot show up with presence, consideration, consistency, communication, and choice if you’re running on empty. You cannot build the six ingredients of emergent love in your relationship if you haven’t first built them within yourself.

Loving yourself means:

Attraction to who you are. Not just tolerating yourself, but genuinely appreciating your qualities, your strengths, your uniqueness.
Respect for your own needs and priorities. Not abandoning yourself to please others. Recognising that your feelings, your boundaries, your dreams matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Trusting yourself. Knowing that you’ll show up for yourself consistently. That you’ll keep your promises to yourself. That you won’t betray your own values or abandon your own needs.
Having a vision for your own life. Not just going along with what others want for you, but knowing what you want. What matters to you. Where you’re going.
Compassion for yourself. Being gentle with your wounds and triggers. Extending grace when you make mistakes. Caring about your own pain and being willing to tend to it.
Engaging in loving behaviours towards yourself. Getting enough sleep. Eating nourishing food. Moving your body. Pursuing your interests. Setting boundaries. Saying no when you need to. Seeking support when you’re struggling.

The relationship you have with yourself is the foundation for every other relationship in your life. If that foundation is shaky, everything else will be shaky too.

The more you love yourself well, the more you’ll be able to love others well. The more you respect yourself, the more you’ll be able to respect your partner. The more compassion you have for yourself, the more compassion you’ll be able to extend to others.

Loving yourself is where it all begins.

Putting It Into Practice

You won’t be perfect at all six ingredients all the time. No one is. Relationships are messy and complicated and we’re all human. Some days you’ll nail all six. Some days you’ll struggle with all six. And that’s okay.

The goal is intentionality, not perfection. It’s about being aware of these ingredients and consciously working to strengthen them in your relationship and within yourself.

This week, choose one ingredient and focus on it intentionally:

Attraction: Tell your partner something specific that you find attractive about them. Not just physical, but something about their character, their personality, their way of being. And tell yourself something you find attractive about who you are.

Respect: Before making a decision that affects both of you, pause and ask yourself, “Have I considered my partner’s needs and preferences here?” Also ask yourself if you’re honouring your own needs.

Trust: Do something small that builds reliability. If you say you’re going to do something, follow through. If you make a promise, keep it. And keep the promises you make to yourself.

Shared Vision: Initiate a conversation about the future. Ask your partner, “Where do you see us in five years? What do you want our life to look like?” And ask yourself the same questions about your own life.

Compassion: The next time your partner is struggling, resist the urge to fix it or minimise it. Just be with them in it. Say, “I see that you’re hurting. I’m here.” And extend that same compassion to yourself when you’re struggling.

Loving Behaviours: Do one thing today that you know will make your partner feel loved. Something specific to them. And do one loving thing for yourself.

Start small. Start with one ingredient. One action. One conversation. That’s how we build love by design. Not through grand gestures or perfect moments, but through intentional, consistent effort over time.

Final Thoughts

We’re here for a good time, not a long time. Let’s make it count.

Love is the result of a thriving relationship, not the foundation of it. When we stop trying to build on love and start building the ingredients that create love (attraction, respect, trust, shared vision, compassion, and loving behaviours), everything shifts.

The six ingredients aren’t just concepts. They’re practical tools you can use to strengthen your relationship. And when you focus on these ingredients, love isn’t something you have to force or chase. It emerges naturally.

And it all begins with loving yourself. With building these six ingredients in your relationship with yourself first. That’s the foundation for everything else.

So the next time you say “I love you,” really mean it. Back it up with action. And the next time you hear it, really receive it.

About Tracy Jacobs

Tracy Jacobs is a qualified social worker and experienced intimacy and relationship coach with 10+ years in private practice based in Johannesburg, South Africa. Her work focuses on sex positivity and sexual human rights, creating safe spaces for couples and individuals to open up about sex and intimacy. Tracy is the host of the Totally Not Taboo podcast and a regular contributor to articles on intimacy and relationships.

Ready to build love that lasts? Book a session with Tracy to learn how to move beyond empty words and intentionally design relationships where connection deepens and love emerges naturally.

Keywords: intimacy coach, relationship coach South Africa, what does I love you mean, building lasting love, emergent love model, couples therapy Johannesburg, sex positive coaching, relationship ingredients, love by design, intentional relationships, Tracy Jacobs, Totally Me coaching

What “I Love You” Really Means (And Why the Words Aren’t Enough)