A concerned boyfriend recently wrote to The Guardian newspaper in the U.K, asking for advice – because his girlfriend regularly masturbates after having sex that he believes is “good”.
He wrote: “I have been in a relationship for nine months. I thought the sex was good for us both, but when we finish she tells me to shower. I wondered why, and now I know – she masturbates. She has done it multiple times; I think she is insatiable. What should I do?”
“Firstly, there is nothing wrong with her,” says local intimacy and relationship coac Tracy Jacobs.
Speaking to HuffPost, Jacobs says this could be because of a number of perfectly understandable reasons.
Some women are multi-orgasmic.
For one, she could simply be yearning for more. “Some women are multi-orgasmic. This means they can orgasm up to three times in one lovemaking session or in consecutive lovemaking sessions, whereas men usually find this more difficult.”
Secondly, some women just don’t orgasm during normal penetrative sex. “So while the sex may be good, they don’t climax – and masturbation can finish it all off well, as it normally involves clitoral stimulation,” added Jacobs.
For other women, masturbation may just be a preference thing, as some believe the best sex one can have is sex with oneself.
“We must also remember that to masturbate takes less energy than to make love, and you don’t have to be cognisant of pleasuring your partner, only yourself – and you know your body best,” pointed out local sexologist and clinical psychologist, Dr Eugene Viljoen.
We must also remember that to masturbate takes less energy than to make love.
The main challenge, Jacobs believes, is ego – particularly in men, as far as sex and sexual performance is concerned.
She asked: “Who says a woman can only be satisfied through penetrative sex with a man? And why must it be good or successful sex only when an orgasm has been reached?”
This general view of sex as an exercise with an end goal needs to be challenged, as it robs couples of experiencing other things sex can bring – for example, connection, playfulness and intimacy, according to Jacobs.
Why must it be good or successful sex only when an orgasm has been reached?
“Some partners get offended if their other half masturbates, because they think they aren’t good enough – or not good enough anymore – and this may not even be the case,” said Viljoen, who told HuffPost he is presented with this dilemma often at his practice.
Viljoen further noted that sexual frequency between a couple is another important factor to be considered in the masturbation discussion. “Sexual frequency between a couple is always decided by the partner with the lowest sex drive,” he said. The one with a higher sexual need may then, out of sexual frustration, resort to masturbating frequently.
The solution is communication, he stressed, and Jacobs concurred: “Be honest about your expectations in an intimate relationship, and if these aren’t being met, don’t be scared to communicate this.”
She is also of the opinion that women must stop “mothering men” in order to protect their egos at the expense of their sexual fulfillment.
“If you wish to self-please in front of him, tell him. If you want introduce a toy in the bedroom, share that. Just communicate,” she said.